Riding with Nervousness

A real story. A real conflict. A real lesson in win-win negotiating.

Nervousness is not a flaw to fix.

It's the body signaling something meaningful is at stake.

1. The Situation

Last week, my 13-year-old granddaughter, Reese, called me and asked if I would read a letter she had written to her parents. It was not just any letter. It was her way of approaching a conversation she had been avoiding for more than six months. Reese's life revolves around horses—riding lessons during the week. Horse shows on the weekends. When she is not at the barn, she is thinking about it. When she is not thinking about it, she is practicing at home, jumping imaginary courses with a hobby horse. Riding is not simply something she does. It is central to who she is and who she is becoming.

Over time, though, something began to feel off. The barn where she had been riding for years no longer challenged her. Older riders had moved on, leaving her surrounded by much younger kids. After a recent growth spurt, the ponies felt smaller and the jumps lower. The environment that once stretched her was now holding her in place. Reese knew that if she wanted to keep growing as a rider, something had to change. She also knew this was not just about her. Switching barns would affect schedules, routines, and responsibilities that did not belong to her alone. It would ask something of her parents as well . Naming that out loud meant risking a no to a change that mattered deeply to her. That risk had kept her quiet far longer than she wanted. So she wrote a letter instead.

2. The Tension

As we read the draft together, her nervousness was unmistakable. When I asked what she was most afraid of, her answer came immediately. She was afraid her parents would say no.That fear is ageless. Adults feel it before asking for a raise, setting a boundary, naming dissatisfaction, or revisiting a conversation they have already delayed. The circumstances change. The sensation does not.Her body was doing exactly what human bodies do when something meaningful feels at risk. Fight or flight had kicked in. For Reese, it showed up as flight. Avoiding the conversation. Writing instead of speaking. Waiting for the right moment. In AGENT terms, she turtled. So we slowed things down. I asked her to walk through the worst-case scenario. If the answer really was no, then what?After a pause, she said she would keep riding at her current barn. But as she talked it through, something important shifted. Staying did not have to mean standing still.She could keep riding with intention. Ask for more challenge. Research other barns. Gather information. Learn what would actually help her grow.Fear did not disappear; it only lost its grip.

3. The Shift

The real shift came when Reese stopped trying to win a decision and instead chose to invite collaboration. Rather than presenting a fully formed solution, she decided to bring her mom into the problem. She would share what she was noticing and ask for help thinking it through. She already understood her mom's interests. Safety. Time. Logistics. Cost. She also knew one practical detail mattered a great deal. The new barn she had researched was only eight minutes from home.That evening, Reese waited for the right moment. She helped with dinner. Took care of the animals. Cleaned the kitchen. Then she spoke. Not as a pitch.
As a conversation.

4. AGENT in Action

What Made the Difference.

What made the difference was not confidence. It was an interpretation. Reese learned to read nervousness not as a warning to retreat, but as a signal to prepare.AWARE:
She recognized that her anxiety meant this conversation mattered. Instead of avoiding it, she chose to engage with intention rather than instinct.GROUND:
She grounded herself in a strong BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement). Not a passive fallback and not a return to an unacceptable status quo. If the answer was no, she would continue riding while actively changing the conditions by seeking more challenge, gathering information, and clarifying her path forward. That BATNA did not guarantee comfort, but it gave her courage.EMPATHIZE:
From that grounded place, she could genuinely consider her mom's concerns without seeing them as obstacles. Resistance no longer meant rejection. It meant care that needed to be understood.NEGOTIATE:
She asked questions instead of pushing answers. She shared observations instead of demands. The conversation became shared problem-solving rather than a request awaiting approval.TIE it altogether:
They aligned on the next steps. Her mom would reach out to the new barn for more information. They would explore options together. The agreement was not a final decision, but it was real forward movement. The win was not about agreement.
It was about alignment. A few hours later, my phone buzzed. This is exactly what I received: I DID ITTTTT.
I ASKED HER
SHE SAID YESSSSS
SHE'S EMAILING THE NEW BARN FOR MORE INFORMATIONIt feels like so much weight lifted off me!

5. Ask This Before Your Next Conflict 🛠

• When I feel nervous, what might that signal be asking me to prepare for rather than avoid?

• What is my real BATNA, and does it preserve my dignity and momentum if I hear no?

• How could I invite the other person into solving the problem with me?

6. Closing Reflection

Reese is 13, but the lesson is ageless. Nervousness is not the enemy. Avoidance is.
A strong BATNA does not make rejection painless. It makes courage possible. We do not need to silence our instincts.
We need to notice them and choose intention instead. That is what it means to be an AGENT. See you in this week's win-win moments.
— Sam

7. Ready to Go Deeper?

Until recently, the only way to learn the Win-Win AGENT framework was through my live workshops or coaching services.

That's changed.

I've launched the Win-Win AGENT online course, and I'm making it free and available to everyone.

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“This changed how I approach hard conversations almost immediately.”

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You don't need to wait for a workshop.
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You just need two hours and a willingness to look at conflict differently.

Take the free Win-Win AGENT course here:

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Conflict isn't the problem.
Avoiding it is.

Lastly, if this issue resonated with you, hit reply and let me know. I would love to hear from you!